On Toilet Training: "You are four years old. You have to sh*t in the toilet. This is not one of those things where we'll go back and forth, and find some middle ground. This ends with you sh*tting in the toilet."
On the Death of Our First Dog: "He was a good dog. Your brother is pretty broken up about it, so go easy on him. He had a nice last moment with Brownie before the vet tossed him in the garbage."
On Picking the Right College: "Don't pick someplace just because you think it will be easy to get laid there.... No, no, that's a very good reason to pick a lot of things, but not this."
On Getting a Job as a Cook at Hooters: "You my good man, are not as f*cking stupid as I first thought."